depression attack

Some days we are not the parents we hope to be. I fully admit to failing at the job today and I feel terrible about it. I don't know if it's PMS or my depression rearing its ugly head again, but I absolutely could not handle mommyhood toady. He woke me with a call for a diaper change and I cried. He could hear me crying and yelled "Daddy--Mommy's sad, go help!". David didn't hear, though, and I got up to take care of it. I had desperately hoped to sleep in a little today--I am completely exhausted and that didn't help things a bit. David and I ended up arguing before he left for work, and then I went in to deal with a poopy diaper on the floor and mess everywhere. I was not as magnanimous about it today, though, and I wept in front of Dennis and asked him in a not-so-kind way WHY he had taken the diaper off and gotten poop everywhere. I made him cry, actually, and we cried together, and then I felt so terrible. I couldn't find the diaper bag or the baby wipes and I frantically searched the house and called David in anger (and he didn't answer) to ask where he'd put them. I did calm down and did play with Dennis for awhile, and when I felt again at the end of my rope from his constant questions, we left the house for awhile to find stuff to do. I love his little voice. I love our conversations. I love being a stay-at-home-mom. Really I do. But this particular day, I couldn't handle the repetitive questions, the constant "I want chocolate milk" again and again and again. I must have looked fried because David took over when he got home and let me go into the bedroom and chill for a while. Dennis and I did have a very nice trip to Wal-mart and the Dollar Tree, where we got him a backup firefighter hat and a new firefighter axe-crowbar-and-whistle kit to aid him in his rescues. And we enjoyed looking at the Christmas stuff together and talking about Santa and snowmen and sharing a chicken nugget happy meal, so it wasn't all bad, but I did have a lot of trouble today. I would like to think that I'm somewhat normal for feeling overwhelmed every now and then, but I hate that I let him down. I just hate it. Tomorrow I work at the gym all day and he'll be with his Daddy, and this may be the break that we both need. I'll be Mommy Renewed by Wednesday, I hope, and all will be well again.