Mr. Manners

A few lessons on table etiquette from Dennis:

1. Eating utensils are optional. In fact, why not toss your fork or spoon onto the floor immediately after you begin your meal? This way it's dirty and you won't have to bother with using it to eat. Hands are very efficient at cramming food into your mouth; trust me.

2. About cramming food into your mouth: it shows your host or hostess how much you like the food. And it's a time saver--the sooner you finish your meal, the sooner you can get down and play.

3. Be kind to the animals in the kitchen. If a hungry golden retriever is lurking around your high chair, toss her down a handful of something. This works particularly well when it's something you don't like, say maybe broccoli or something. Dogs need their green vegetables too.

4. If your high chair is close enough to the table, try to put your feet on it. The table makes a handy footrest and parents like to admire your cute toes whenever they can.

5. Halfway through your meal, begin demanding a cookie. This way, if they haven't prepared any ahead of time, chances are they (your parents or whoever is hosting the meal) can bake some while you finish your meal.

6. Help your hosts burn calories during the meal: toss your sippy cup down vigorously and often. Then demand juice (or whatever you prefer to drink) so that they will pick it up quickly.

7. If you really enjoyed the meal, pick up the plate and rub it over your face and hair so that you can totally immerse yourself in the flavor of the meal. This is quite a compliment to the chef.

8. When you have finished with your plate (whether you dumped it out or emptied it, and after you've used it to coat your hair), hurl it from your high chair onto the floor. See how far you can throw it. This will make the aforementioned golden retriever under your chair jump several inches into the air and flee the area (briefly). Plus, the plate makes a very satisfying noise when it hits the floor. I would love to try this with a breakable plate at home but I haven't had the opportunity. Once at a Cracker Barrel I broke one exactly in half. Very impressive, wouldn't you say?

9. If you can manage it, dirty your diaper while your hosts are eating. If you can manage a smelly enough job, there will be more food in it for you when they lose their appetites.

10. Be sure and check the pocket of your bib after your plate and high chair tray are empty. You can always find a virtual smorgasbord in there.

11. It is considered polite to thank your hosts for your meal. Burp as often as you can.

12. If you finish your meal before the others at the table, demand to be taken out of your high chair. Bang your hands on your high chair tray. Use your outside voice. Look cute if all else fails.

I hope you have found these dining tips helpful. Happy eating!